Trans-World Dynamics - PART 3 of 4: CREATING A SAFE AND CONDUCIVE ARENA FOR HARD TO TALK ABOUT TOPICS

PART 3 of 4: CREATING A SAFE AND CONDUCIVE ARENA FOR HARD TO TALK ABOUT TOPICS

You want to talk to your new assistant manager about her performance level and you are fearful to have this conversation because you see how easily she gets defensive

"I can try to accept gracefully all things that affect my life. I can think and act, not react, I can study and learn. I can listen ..."

You want to talk to your husband/boyfriend about his consistent pattern of showing up late and you are afraid to speak with him because he shuts down when you try to problem solve. Your boss has tried to talk to you about being late, but there was no opportunity for you to dialog in order to achieve an effective, workable solution. You want to talk to your boss, your spouse, your sister/brother, your mother, etc., about an issue that promotes anxiety, stress and/or anger for you. But you avoid doing so because your experience says the emotional climate will get too heated.

These are just a few of many examples that arise with people in both the business arena as well as in couples and family relationships. In each one of the above scenarios, or with any topic that has anger and anxiety built into it, there is a need for structure. Structure in regard to maintaining emotional safety and integrity in the discussion, helps to bring greater potential for successful outcomes. Like any model or any skill we learn, it is only as useful as our willingness to implement it. I have found, that the higher peoples anxiety and anger levels rise, the harder it is to utilize effective interpersonal skills. And the irony is, that this is when they are needed the most.

There are4 key structural tools I have found, that when implemented, give participants of the dialog the greatest chance for a satisfying outcome. These structural tools help to promote buy-in from all the participants, as well as bring conscious awareness to the dialog. Remember, if you are generating a topic of discussion that is anxiety and/or anger provoking to the listener, he/she will be coming in nervous and perhaps already on the defensive. It is your job as the initiator of the dialog to use conscious expression (see e-newsletter, issue 17 at our web site) in an attempt to keep pulse rates down and adrenalin release to a minimum.

1st-The first structural tool is to inform the recipient with whom you need to talk, that you would like to set up some time to speak with one another. If the recipient doesn't know what you have on your agenda you might give them a "heads up" on what you want to cover. It usually depends on the person you want to dialog with as to whether this "heads up" is useful or not. Don't leave them guessing if they want to know the topic. Establish a day and time that is good for the both of you. In addition, establish a place that you will meet in order to converse, and decide on a designated amount of time to meet (example: I have a 1 hour block of time available tomorrow from 2:00 to 3:00. Does that time frame work for you? Yes it does. I have another meeting I need to attend at 3:30 so this timing works well). This shows that you respect their time constraints in the same way you would want yours considered.

A person who possesses self confidence, an open heart and kindness, is clear about their objectives and motives. They don't need to pull power plays to place themselves in a "one up" position. If you are a manager and need to talk with your assistant manager, it shouldn't be in the conference room with you sitting at the head of the conference table. This type of structuring is a vying for power and clearly leaves the recipient feeling in a "one down" position. In turn, this will immediately raise the anxiety and stress level of the recipient. Agree upon a place to talk, that is mutually safe and grounding for all participants. When it is time to talk, abandon power differentiation, and come to the table with a vision that will benefit all concerned. Let the recipient know through your actions that you are invested in a win/win outcome, and that you welcome their input in order to solve the existing problem.

2nd-The second structural tool serves to protect the emotional integrity of the dialog. It has proven to be very useful to reestablish how long your meeting will last before you start the dialog. It is important to start and end the conversation at the agreed upon times. This optimizes your chances for focus and attention. Participants are then able to be fully present without clock watching, knowing that they'll be on time to their next commitment. If the dialog has not been completed, it is up to the participants to agree upon a subsequent time to reconvene that works for everyone. As before, a starting and ending time should be established as well as the meeting place.

Once you have gathered to begin the conversation, the structure needs to include an "absence of distractions". This could range from a "Do not disturb" sign on the door, to turning off your computer and cell phones. If at home, it could include turning off the T.V. as well as putting the dogs out and having the kids in bed, or at a neighbor's house. When it has been decided that a problem solving dialog will take place, it is the responsibility of all participants to be present 100%, by not allowing outside distractions to diminish the focus. This respectfulness is sure to pay dividends.

3rd-The third structural tool has been used for thousands of years in many different arenas. I have personally used it in conversations with my wife and my business partner, as well as in sweat lodges and talking circles. This structural tool is referred to as "The Talking Stick". The talking stick is used as a way to give undivided attention and respect to the expresser. The expresser holds the stick, and is the only one who is allowed to speak. Using this structural tool stops interruption and invites the other participants to stay present and focused on the speaker. In addition, it allows for the speaker to express consciously and fully, without fear or concern of interruption. Even asking questions to the speaker serves to derail their internal process and forces the attention to go to the person asking the question.

You as the listener will have time to gain clarity about areas of confusion once you possess the talking stick A talking stick can be anything from a ballpoint pen to a hand crafted, carved piece, of exotic wood. The use of the talking stick can be tricky and does slow the process down. I have repeatedly found however, that slowing down the process helps to speed up the outcome. When the topic doesn't derail due to anger, anxiety and hostility, the participants get to journey together through the process.

When the structural integrity gets compromised, the topic can spin out of control, and then it's everyone moving into flight or fight followed by defense mechanisms engaging. FIRST AND FOREMOST, THE EMOTIONAL SAFETY HAS TO REMAIN IN TACT. STRUCTURE IS A MEANS TO THAT END. Going into a high tension dialog without a structure, is like building a high rise without a strong foundation or steel girders to maintain the structural integrity. It will collapse around you.

It is most beneficial to establish a few guidelines when using the talking stick.

1. Each person has a defined amount of time to talk (for example: 3 to 5 minutes) before they need to pass the stick on to the listener.
2. The listener must first remember to empathize
before they get the talking stick.

3. If the listener is having difficulty remembering all that is being shared, they should stop the speaker with a "time out" signal, verbalizing the need to empathize before the speaker goes on any further.

4. Once the stick is passed on to the listener, the listener becomes the expresser and needs to stay on the topic being discussed. This is critical, otherwise you have 2 different conversations going on of which neither will get resolved.

The talking stick has a multitude of other benefits with a lot of power attached to it. Upon the release of our book, we will reveal many subtleties, hidden meanings and great benefits that the talking stick offers. We will also talk about the type of talking stick that actually collects power and accumulates energy through repeated use. In turn, the talking stick becomes a symbol that possesses energy for healing.

4th-The fourth structural tool is designed to pull the whole process together through trustworthiness, honesty, authenticity, kindness (THAnKs®) and respect. This structural tool we call "The Package". The package is an integrated fusion of empathy, conscious expression and structural protocols and procedures. If you begin to work with the ideas in the 3 articles we have now published, you will be amazed at the personal results you reap (you can access the first 2 articles by going to our website in the e-newsletters section).

I have seen long standing hurt and betrayal heal. I have witnessed age old conflicts resolve themselves. I have experienced firsthand, business executives, families and couples transform their lives through this process. I have watched "bad" employees turn out to be top producers as a result of bringing these principles and structure into play.

Whatever your needs are, whatever your hopes are, the next conversation that you choose to initiate can either move you closer to the fulfillment of these needs and hopes, or further away. Structure, and a road map, can be a good thing when we infuse our hearts into the equation.

The following are the 4 key structural tools that have been discussed in this article.

1. Informing the recipient of the need to set up a time to dialog. Establishing the time, day, place (should be an arena where there is equity), and length of time you'll have to devote to the dialog.

2. An "absence of distractions".

3. The use of the "Talking Stick"

4. THAnKs® and respect as a way to infuse empathy, conscious expression and structural protocols and procedures into the dialog.

The art of implementing this model can take a long time to gain some mastery over. We at Trans-World Dynamics, LLC would welcome the opportunity to work with you or your organization, to help take you into the elite group of professionals, couples and families who are successfully using this model.

< Prev		Next >