THE FOLLOWING IS THE SECOND OF A 4 PART SERIES ON EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION. THIS BODY OF WORK IS DESIGNED FOR THE SOUL PURPOSE OF TEACHING ANYONE WHO IS INTERESTED, HEALTHY, RESPECTFUL AND SUCCESSFUL COMMUNICATION SKILLS. THE ART OF EMPATHY, DELIVERING THE MESSAGE THROUGH CONSCIOUS EXPRESSION, CREATING A SAFE AND CONDUCIVE ARENA FOR HARD TO TALK ABOUT TOPICS, AND TOOLS FOR GETTING BACK ON TRACK WHEN THE TOPIC OF DISCUSSION STARTS TO DERAIL, ARE THE 4 TOPICS THAT WILL BE ADDRESSED. THIS APPROACH HAS PROVEN TO BE EXTREMELY USEFUL IN BUSINESS SETTINGS, FAMILIES AND SIGNIFICANT RELATIONSHIPS.

PART 2

“WE NEED TO TALK”! Do these words just send a cold shiver right down your spine? What does it mean to talk, to transmit, to express our thoughts and feelings? One thing is for sure. There is a recipient, a listener on the other end that we want to express our thoughts and feelings to. When we look at our experiences of expressing, be it to our spouse, our kids, our friends, our bosses or employees, what is it that we are attempting to transmit? What is it that we are aiming to accomplish by virtue of expressing ourselves? What is our “true” motive for saying the words we utter. How come we can use one way of expressing with a particular person, and if we try to use that same approach or style with someone different, they react?

If we want to be heard and have our needs met, then our timing, our intonation, our body language, how we initially engage, and the words we choose the words we use, will all be significant components for a successful interaction.

Let’s start with timing.

TIMING:

Timing is essential to the success of a meaningful interaction. Just because you have something you need to discuss, it doesn’t mean it’s the most appropriate time for the other person/people as well. Letting others know that you want to have a discussion with them and picking a mutually agreed upon time and place, will offer you a much better chance to be heard, thus creating a successful interaction. With the use of this technique, you’ve received the “buy-in” for the discussion.

INTONATON:

The skill of intonation is extremely useful in keeping your participant(s) in the dialog involved and engaged. Our intonation often needs to vary from person to person depending on how they receive information. I recall working with a married couple a few years ago, and the husband’s volume went up a couple of notches when he was expressing. He was mildly frustrated to my best recollection, and his intonation was indicative of that. When I looked at his wife she had a fixed glaze in her eyes. I stopped him immediately and asked her what was going on (she was, up to that moment, empathizing quite effectively.

See part 1 of this series, on Empathy, in Trans-World Dynamics’ archives).

She said to me, “this is what he always does”! He shouts at me and I can’t tolerate it. A lot of work for this couple ensued out of this experience. I worked with the husband on pitch and volume regulation, and I worked with the wife on recognition of her sensitivity to raised volume. She became more adept at staying present and asking her husband to “dial it down” (an agreed upon term if she got uncomfortable with his volume, pitch or inflection). The work they did reaped positive rewards as they started having more and more meaningful conversations, not excluding the resolution of problems they had struggled over for years. There are many other subtleties involving intonation.

In our forthcoming book on EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATON, to be released in December 07’, more will be revealed on the art of intonation.

BODY LANGUAGE:

Different studies have concluded that over 80% of communication is non verbal. FBI interrogators teach classes and seminars on the study of body language, as a way of understanding what is truthful and what is deceptive. As a conscious expresser, you want to be impeccable with your word. We want our words to be congruent with our body language at all times. I have always been fascinated with the body language of politicians and what they are expressing. Suffice it to say, there is often a breakdown between the two.

A good empathizer will often know if the words being expressed are congruent with your body language. They watch the eyes and body posture. I had an experience once with the CEO of a fairly large corporation who would run the backs of his middle and index fingers along his jaw line, whenever he was nervous or anxious. When I asked him what he was anxious about, he asked me how I even knew, since he hadn’t indicated it. When I explained how his body language had spoken to me, he was amazed and impressed with our body’s ability to unconsciously express the truth.

Let your body language match your words, because the truth is, that most body language is out of our conscious awareness. The more honest we are, the less we need be concerned with how our bodies are speaking.

INITIAL ENGAGEMENT:

Perhaps this skill is the most important of all. The words we choose to start a dialog, a confrontation or problem solving process, will make or break the success of the interaction. Above all else, we don’t want to start out by putting the listener on the defensive. Initial engagement not only involves appropriate intonation and body language, but to equal measure a statement that points to the vision or the desired outcome.

I was hired as a consultant to facilitate a problem solving intervention with the head of Operations, and an employee of a software company.

The head of Operations had been experiencing performance problems with this employee, and they kept getting into heated exchanges when attempting to address the concerns. I did some initial instruction with the head of operations and gave this person clear direction on how to initially engage, prior to the 2 of them meeting. Once we had an agreed upon time and place to meet, I had the head of operations start the conversation.

The following statement was close to what was said in the initial engagement. “You are a valued employee here at our company, and my motive for initiating this dialog is to do some problem solving together in order to come up with some successful strategies that will support you in your continued success at__________(name of company). This initial engagement spoke to the desired outcome, inviting the employee to participate in the process.

The initial engagement gave the employee a clear understanding that he/she was valued and they really wanted her/him to stay with the company. It was obvious that the head of operations knew that this employee had great potential. It opened up a very rich dialog where respect and integrity were present throughout. The words we choose, the words we use, have a great deal of power. We need to pick them carefully.

THE WORDS WE USE AND THE WORDS WE CHOOSE:

Most of us know exactly what to say, how to say it, and what intonation to use if we want to start a fight, get a reaction, or actually avoid dealing with the topic at hand. One of my teachers, France Sarradon, M.A., LPCC, LMFT taught me many years ago that we can be in relationship or we can be right. We can’t have both at the same time. Making a choice to choose and use words that will defend our “rightness”, will in essence tell the listener they are wrong. I haven’t found this technique to be a useful strategy in the attempt to create a satisfactory dialog or outcome.

If you are more invested in truly creating workable solutions, the following are just a few guidelines to follow in the use of Conscious Expression.

1. Avoid using phrases like “You always” “You never”.

2. Talk from your own reality, your own perception and truth.

3. Talk subjectively taking full ownership of your thoughts, beliefs, feelings and words.

4. Don’t place labels or judgments on the listener (stubborn, jerk, stupid, etc.).

5. Share your thoughts, feelings, needs and beliefs openly and honestly.

These guidelines will give you a good start in the delivery of your message through Conscious Expression.

Below is a review of the important aspects to Conscious Expression.

1. Timing--A “buy-in” process where both/all parties are prepared and have agreed to talk.

2. Intonation--The art of inflection, volume and pitch.

3. Body Language--Our body language transmits over 80% of our truth. Be impeccably honest.

4. Initial Engagement--Your opening sentence will be the gateway to a successful conversation.

5. The Words we Choose the Words we Use--Being conscious of the delivery of our expression, by choosing words that will engage the listener and invite dialog.

In the next e-newsletter, part 3 on Effective Communication will talk about Creating a Safe and Conducive Arena for Hard to Talk about Topics.