PART ONE

EMPATHY: A transformational approach as a way to listen for deep understanding, through the process of being fully present.

The above definition is my own and comes out of many years of practical and applied research. I have used this definition of empathy both professionally and personally and have never been sold more on a model of respect and integrity then the one that empathy offers.

Although empathy is nothing more than the ability to listen with all of our being in order to stand in another's shoes and fully comprehend their truth, the art of this task is no small accomplishment.

As I have listened to people engage in difficult topics of discussion over the course of my adult life, I can generally tell within the first few minutes as to whether their conversation is going to be productive and successful, or not.

In my experience of counseling and coaching couples, business partners, families and executives, I am struck by how often the listener, when discussing a difficult topic is not only misunderstanding what is being expressed, but is also busy thinking about her/his reply without being fully present as the listener. They are usually on the defensive and needing to "prove their point" or "be right". What arises out of this dynamic is an immediate rise of anger and/or anxiety. Consequently, pulse rates start to increase with visible tension in the bodies of the participant's.

If this emotional climate isn't quickly regulated the mammalian brain engages (primitive brain) and then individuals are incapable of taking in information from the expresser (I will share a great deal about maintaining the emotional integrity of the dialog in part 3 and 4 of this series). If there isn't a quick recovery, the outcome will be a loss of focus on the topic and a decline into an emotionally charged battle that will polarize the participants.

Emotional regulation is absolutely indispensable in any dialog, and through good empathetic listening skills, this can be attained. Without regulating the emotional climate, topics quickly get lost in the heat of the conflict and nothing of value gets resolved. It's important to remember that the purpose of an interaction is to come up with a satisfying outcome that both (all) parties can feel good about. Without this purpose in mind, there will be the absence of "buy-in" by those who felt they have "lost". I have seen more relationships end, excellent professionals leave their jobs and families struggle because of the lack of buy-in from all members.

Empathy, by the nature of its design, is to support participants in journeying together through a process. It serves to keep all participants engaged in the dialog as well as keep them on the same page and regulate anger and anxiety levels. This in turn, maintains the integrity of the dialog.

Empathy also allows the speaker a greater awareness and perspective of their own internal understanding in regard to the topic being addressed. This internal understanding and perspective is afforded to the speaker when the empathizer shows an authentic interest in what the expresser is sharing coupled with the desire to really want to understand.

It is all too rare for most of us to feel deeply heard and to feel understood. In empathy we listen with our ears, our heart, our feelings, our instincts and our eyes. Our whole body and mind participates in the experience. In this way we capture what is both implicit and explicit, often reading between the lines. This goes way beyond just capturing the words of the expresser.

As empathizer, we are far less interested in just hearing the words and much more interested in understanding the depth of the speakers total experience.

When we listen without thinking about how we will respond, we are then able to immerse ourselves in the truth of the expresser.

Recently, I was working with a married couple who owned a small business. They had been fighting for years around a repeated theme that had to do with hiring consultants vs. doing all of the work themselves. He was of the mindset that if you take on a project you figure it out yourself. No matter how long it takes, at whatever price you have to pay (loss of sleep, isolation, irritability, etc.), don't hire consultants that the company will have to pay.

She, on the other hand, worked from the perspective that accessing help and support was an essential part of how she learns and gains new information to implement necessary strategies and plans for the company. As I had them work with the empathy skill (along with other skills forthcoming in future newsletters), within 3 meetings there was new understanding and awareness that created a successful negotiation.

This occurred even after 20 + years of marriage. She learned that he saw resources as scarce, including money, and that his belief is that if you want to get something done you do it yourself because the fear of lack was so pervasive in his wiring. He learned that she often had fear and insecurity about not being able to figure out a problem on her own, and was also taught in her previous career to always seek out support and help.

Once an understanding of the deeper issues driving the conflict was understood by one another, they were able to negotiate how to approach new projects. She agreed to try 2 or 3 different options before seeking out consultation and he agreed to setting up a budget line item in the business for hiring consultants.

Once this was established his anxiety of "not enough" had diminished and she was able to walk through her fears of not being able to figure something out. Knowing that there was money available without an ensuing fight, allowed her to relax in regard to trying new tasks on her own.

Here are a number of guidelines to implement when using empathy in a dialog.

¨ Show a genuine interest towards the speaker by giving eye contact.

¨ Let your body language signal to the expresser that you are present and willing to understand (not to be confused with agreeing).

¨ Listen intently. When you notice your mind wanting to respond, contain those responses and stay in empathy. You'll get to respond next and then you'll be afforded the same opportunity to feel really heard.

¨ Seek to understand the meaning of the expresser's position. It obviously has importance to him/her.

¨ Listen for the implicit as well as the explicit.

¨ Listen for the feelings, desires, hopes, fears and needs.

¨ Formulate in your own mind and body what it is like to be the person you are listening to. This requires getting out of our own self centered position.

¨ Once you have heard what the speaker has to share, reflect back your understanding to make sure you have captured that person’s truth accurately. Remember, you are collaborating and your soul task is to understand.

¨ If the speaker corrects a misperception on your part, just listen so you can gain the understanding she/he's wanting you to have, and then try and reflect it back again.

¨ HINT: The more difficult the topic is that you are going to be discussing, the more need there is for the use of empathy and structure in the arena.

This form of communication is difficult at first. It often takes the hiring of a consultant, mentor or counselor trained in these skills to learn the many nuances and subtleties of this technique. If you are intrigued or interested in finding out more about the use of this technique in your business or in your personal life in order to improve the quality of your interactions, please contact us at Trans-World Dynamics.